Dear Mommy,
It is hard to believe that two years ago today you slipped through our fingers into the arms of God. I know You felt insignificant at times and you would be shocked by the way God has used your life to affect others. At least one person began a relationship with Christ as a result of your life. Many others have a different view of God from the way you lived. This is a wonderful gift and yet I would give anything to have you back.
I miss you deeply, but my heart aches the most for Squeaker's loss. She is a very happy, well adjusted little girl now, but I know she will grieve this when she gets older. The other day we had just finished reading her book before her nap and she just asked question after question about you. " Were you and Mommy friends? What did you do together? Was that before I was in her tummy or after? What did we do when I was a baby? Do you miss her?" Needless to say the conversation led me to tears, but I am so grateful for her interest. I want to tell her all about you, everything I can remember right now and yet it will be so much better if I let her lead. I don't want her whole life to be focused on yours.
There are so many ways that she reminds me of you. Not only does she look just like you, but she have many similar characteristics. She has loved books for a long time, but she has been very focused on animal books recently. We were in the car one day and she asked me all these questions about animals. I could answer some of them, but the rest I had to admit I didn't know. " When I go to preschool, my teacher will answer ALL my questions about animals." For the poor teacher's sake I had to explain that it didn't exactly work that way. "She will teach you many things, Squeaker, but if you have specific things you want to learn about, we can go to the library. They even have a whole section of True books about things like animals. We could find some books about these animals." She was delighted to discover the True Books about jaguars, pandas, African animals, etc. She has listened intently to each book, however long the paragraphs, because she wants to learn. It reminds me of your love of animals and particularly your focus on biology in college.
Another interest she shares with you is her love of music. She often makes up little songs about things she is thinking about. She loves when I have on music and she dances around the room.
She pretends to be a ballet dancer at times and then takes a bow when she is finished. There are some personality traits which are strikingly similar as well. She loves order and for things to be put away. She always puts the crayons back the same direction in the box. Even if I have already put them in upside down, she'll fix it for me. How silly of me to think the goal is for them to be in the box! I remember when she was a baby, you named all her stuffed animals. It was so very you to give each little animals value and character. She has never been told that story and yet she does that same exact thing! She creates these silly, nonsense names like, Hobe and Bo Pa, but she remembers them. She also loves real pets as you did. She seems convinced that the four cats we have in residence isn't enough. On separate occasions she has asked to have a fish, a bunny, a horse, a turtle, and a panther. It just so reminds me of your desire to adopt many pets and your persistent question, "Do you have love to spare?
This summer, she has fallen deeply in love with ice cream. We don't give it to her very often, but when we do, it disappears in seconds. On a recent outing with Daddy, she scraped the bowl so much, he thought she was going to eat the Styrofoam. I cannot help but be reminded of someone who upon purchasing a new container of ice cream would eat one spoonful before putting it in the freezer. "Welcome to our house ice cream. You won't last long, but we are so glad to have you."
There are so many moments when I wish you were here to be with her. We are figuring out how to live without you and depend on God in this crazy situation. She feels safe, loved and provided for in her little family of Daddy, Aunt Brite and Uncle Mack, but we know there is a hole. She loves her Grammy, Granddad, Kira, Elena, Nana, Poppy and all the extended family and yet she doesn't know the ache they all still have; the piece of their puzzle that is missing. She loves her Momzie, Granddaddy, Amy and Will, but she cannot fathom the memories of you which break their hearts and make them smile all at once.
Oh dear friend, we walk on through the life God has laid out for us, but we still have a limp. We cheer for you when she tries something new for the first time. I stop what I am doing to see her Lego tower because you're not here to praise her efforts. I hold her for you when she cries and kiss her boo boos. We are firm with her when she tests us because we know you would want her to be raised well. We will keep going, although part of our hearts are still broken. It is an incredible comfort to know that although I am sure you would have wanted to be here, you are experiencing something far better now.
I miss you deeply, but my heart aches the most for Squeaker's loss. She is a very happy, well adjusted little girl now, but I know she will grieve this when she gets older. The other day we had just finished reading her book before her nap and she just asked question after question about you. " Were you and Mommy friends? What did you do together? Was that before I was in her tummy or after? What did we do when I was a baby? Do you miss her?" Needless to say the conversation led me to tears, but I am so grateful for her interest. I want to tell her all about you, everything I can remember right now and yet it will be so much better if I let her lead. I don't want her whole life to be focused on yours.
There are so many ways that she reminds me of you. Not only does she look just like you, but she have many similar characteristics. She has loved books for a long time, but she has been very focused on animal books recently. We were in the car one day and she asked me all these questions about animals. I could answer some of them, but the rest I had to admit I didn't know. " When I go to preschool, my teacher will answer ALL my questions about animals." For the poor teacher's sake I had to explain that it didn't exactly work that way. "She will teach you many things, Squeaker, but if you have specific things you want to learn about, we can go to the library. They even have a whole section of True books about things like animals. We could find some books about these animals." She was delighted to discover the True Books about jaguars, pandas, African animals, etc. She has listened intently to each book, however long the paragraphs, because she wants to learn. It reminds me of your love of animals and particularly your focus on biology in college.
Another interest she shares with you is her love of music. She often makes up little songs about things she is thinking about. She loves when I have on music and she dances around the room.
She pretends to be a ballet dancer at times and then takes a bow when she is finished. There are some personality traits which are strikingly similar as well. She loves order and for things to be put away. She always puts the crayons back the same direction in the box. Even if I have already put them in upside down, she'll fix it for me. How silly of me to think the goal is for them to be in the box! I remember when she was a baby, you named all her stuffed animals. It was so very you to give each little animals value and character. She has never been told that story and yet she does that same exact thing! She creates these silly, nonsense names like, Hobe and Bo Pa, but she remembers them. She also loves real pets as you did. She seems convinced that the four cats we have in residence isn't enough. On separate occasions she has asked to have a fish, a bunny, a horse, a turtle, and a panther. It just so reminds me of your desire to adopt many pets and your persistent question, "Do you have love to spare?This summer, she has fallen deeply in love with ice cream. We don't give it to her very often, but when we do, it disappears in seconds. On a recent outing with Daddy, she scraped the bowl so much, he thought she was going to eat the Styrofoam. I cannot help but be reminded of someone who upon purchasing a new container of ice cream would eat one spoonful before putting it in the freezer. "Welcome to our house ice cream. You won't last long, but we are so glad to have you."
There are so many moments when I wish you were here to be with her. We are figuring out how to live without you and depend on God in this crazy situation. She feels safe, loved and provided for in her little family of Daddy, Aunt Brite and Uncle Mack, but we know there is a hole. She loves her Grammy, Granddad, Kira, Elena, Nana, Poppy and all the extended family and yet she doesn't know the ache they all still have; the piece of their puzzle that is missing. She loves her Momzie, Granddaddy, Amy and Will, but she cannot fathom the memories of you which break their hearts and make them smile all at once.Oh dear friend, we walk on through the life God has laid out for us, but we still have a limp. We cheer for you when she tries something new for the first time. I stop what I am doing to see her Lego tower because you're not here to praise her efforts. I hold her for you when she cries and kiss her boo boos. We are firm with her when she tests us because we know you would want her to be raised well. We will keep going, although part of our hearts are still broken. It is an incredible comfort to know that although I am sure you would have wanted to be here, you are experiencing something far better now.
They are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them.
Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
Revelation 7:15-17
We all love you and miss you very much.
Love, Aunt Brite
A Special Remembrance
This afternoon we went to Mommy's grave with little Squeaker. We didn't explain exactly what it was, but told her it is a special place we remember Mommy. She sat on the bench and mostly listened as each of the grown ups shared things they miss about her. It was quite touching to hear Grammy, Nana & Poppy describe aspects of her personality and things that made her special. Little Squeaker hopped down off the bench at one point and said, " I want to say something about Mommy. I miss her, too. I liked when she played with me with my baby toys. " We were all moved by her desire to join us.
On our way there, we bought a bunch of purple balloons. (I know they look blue in the pictures, Of course, we also got Squeaker a special animal balloon she could keep.) After we shared, we walked into the open space and released them. It was beautiful to realize that like the balloons, Mommy is free from all the burdens of this life. We can let her go, because Heaven is better, while still holding her in our hearts.
It was quite therapeutic for all of us, but I wasn't sure that Squeaker would get very much out of it. However, all evening she has been asking questions about it. She even took her little train filled with people on a long trip: to visit the place where we remember Mommy. I have a feeling it made a lasting impression.
On our way there, we bought a bunch of purple balloons. (I know they look blue in the pictures, Of course, we also got Squeaker a special animal balloon she could keep.) After we shared, we walked into the open space and released them. It was beautiful to realize that like the balloons, Mommy is free from all the burdens of this life. We can let her go, because Heaven is better, while still holding her in our hearts.
It was quite therapeutic for all of us, but I wasn't sure that Squeaker would get very much out of it. However, all evening she has been asking questions about it. She even took her little train filled with people on a long trip: to visit the place where we remember Mommy. I have a feeling it made a lasting impression.
