The Daddy person is back from 'Oz' and glad to be back with Squeaker again. She has been exercising her stubborn gene pretty hard the last few weeks. We are spending time with Granddaddy, Mommzie, Uncle Will, Aunt Amy, and of course the usual cast of characters. We built a fire last night and introduced her to S'mores (you should zoom in on the picture).
As you can tell she enjoyed them very much. She was very patient about cleaning them off her face during bath time too. All the sugar "over-clocked her processor". Put another way, she liked staying up late and having s'mores, so its clear that she put some thought into what she needed to do to get to stay up again some time soon. As things were quieting down she asked:
Squeaker: Aunt Brite, before we take a bath I would like to go for a little walk in the dark. You and Daddy and Uncle Mack and me can go for a walk. Brite: "Why do you want to go for a walk". S: I think we could talk about important things. B: Like what? S: Well... like how I should obey you.
With that she and the Daddy person walked down to the water and looked at the lights on the lake. Have a good week.
It is hard to believe that two years ago today you slipped through our fingers into the arms of God. I know You felt insignificant at times and you would be shocked by the way God has used your life to affect others. At least one person began a relationship with Christ as a result of your life. Many others have a different view of God from the way you lived. This is a wonderful gift and yet I would give anything to have you back.
I miss you deeply, but my heart aches the most for Squeaker's loss. She is a very happy, well adjusted little girl now, but I know she will grieve this when she gets older. The other day we had just finished reading her book before her nap and she just asked question after question about you. " Were you and Mommy friends? What did you do together? Was that before I was in her tummy or after? What did we do when I was a baby? Do you miss her?" Needless to say the conversation led me to tears, but I am so grateful for her interest. I want to tell her all about you, everything I can remember right now and yet it will be so much better if I let her lead. I don't want her whole life to be focused on yours. There are so many ways that she reminds me of you. Not only does she look just like you, but she have many similar characteristics. She has loved books for a long time, but she has been very focused on animal books recently. We were in the car one day and she asked me all these questions about animals. I could answer some of them, but the rest I had to admit I didn't know. " When I go to preschool, my teacher will answer ALL my questions about animals." For the poor teacher's sake I had to explain that it didn't exactly work that way. "She will teach you many things, Squeaker, but if you have specific things you want to learn about, we can go to the library. They even have a whole section of True books about things like animals. We could find some books about these animals." She was delighted to discover the True Books about jaguars, pandas, African animals, etc. She has listened intently to each book, however long the paragraphs, because she wants to learn. It reminds me of your love of animals and particularly your focus on biology in college. Another interest she shares with you is her love of music. She often makes up little songs about things she is thinking about. She loves when I have on music and she dances around the room. She pretends to be a ballet dancer at times and then takes a bow when she is finished. There are some personality traits which are strikingly similar as well. She loves order and for things to be put away. She always puts the crayons back the same direction in the box. Even if I have already put them in upside down, she'll fix it for me. How silly of me to think the goal is for them to be in the box! I remember when she was a baby, you named all her stuffed animals. It was so very you to give each little animals value and character. She has never been told that story and yet she does that same exact thing! She creates these silly, nonsense names like, Hobe and Bo Pa, but she remembers them. She also loves real pets as you did. She seems convinced that the four cats we have in residence isn't enough.On separate occasions she has asked to have a fish, a bunny, a horse, a turtle, and a panther. It just so reminds me of your desire to adopt many pets and your persistent question, "Do you have love to spare?
This summer, she has fallen deeply in love with ice cream. We don't give it to her very often, but when we do, it disappears in seconds. On a recent outing with Daddy, she scraped the bowl so much, he thought she was going to eat the Styrofoam. I cannot help but be reminded of someone who upon purchasing a new container of ice cream would eat one spoonful before putting it in the freezer. "Welcome to our house ice cream. You won't last long, but we are so glad to have you."
There are so many moments when I wish you were here to be with her. We are figuring out how to live without you and depend on God in this crazy situation. She feels safe, loved and provided for in her little family of Daddy, Aunt Brite and Uncle Mack, but we know there is a hole. She loves her Grammy, Granddad, Kira, Elena, Nana, Poppy and all the extended family and yet she doesn't know the ache they all still have; the piece of their puzzle that is missing. She loves her Momzie, Granddaddy, Amy and Will, but she cannot fathom the memories of you which break their hearts and make them smile all at once.
Oh dear friend, we walk on through the life God has laid out for us, but we still have a limp. We cheer for you when she tries something new for the first time. I stop what I am doing to see her Lego tower because you're not here to praise her efforts. I hold her for you when she cries and kiss her boo boos. We are firm with her when she tests us because we know you would want her to be raised well. We will keep going, although part of our hearts are still broken. It is an incredible comfort to know that although I am sure you would have wanted to be here, you are experiencing something far better now.
They are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Revelation 7:15-17
We all love you and miss you very much. Love, Aunt Brite
A Special Remembrance
This afternoon we went to Mommy's grave with little Squeaker. We didn't explain exactly what it was, but told her it is a special place we remember Mommy. She sat on the bench and mostly listened as each of the grown ups shared things they miss about her. It was quite touching to hear Grammy, Nana & Poppy describe aspects of her personality and things that made her special. Little Squeaker hopped down off the bench at one point and said, " I want to say something about Mommy. I miss her, too. I liked when she played with me with my baby toys. " We were all moved by her desire to join us.
On our way there, we bought a bunch of purple balloons. (I know they look blue in the pictures, Of course, we also got Squeaker a special animal balloon she could keep.) After we shared, we walked into the open space and released them. It was beautiful to realize that like the balloons, Mommy is free from all the burdens of this life. We can let her go, because Heaven is better, while still holding her in our hearts.
It was quite therapeutic for all of us, but I wasn't sure that Squeaker would get very much out of it. However, all evening she has been asking questions about it. She even took her little train filled with people on a long trip: to visit the place where we remember Mommy. I have a feeling it made a lasting impression.
This week marked a major milestone in Squeaker's young life. Grammy, Grandad & Elena invited her to visit for a long weekend. As we drove to meet them half way on Thursday, we talked and played games.
Then I asked, "Do you have any questions about the weekend since Daddy, Brite & Uncle Mack won't be there. Like what you will do or who will put you to bed."
"Yes, Aunt Brite. Who will put me to bed?" She was quite comforted to hear that both Grammy & Grandad would be able to do that.
Then she asked, "Will I have Hopa and Blankie?"
"Of course. They are in your backpack."
"O.K. Then Grammy and Grandad can put me to bed."
She asked some more detailed questions about what she would do there and then we played another game. When I met up with them, we had lunch together and then moved the luggage over. I wish I had taken my camera! She hugged Hopa while wearing her preschool backpack, a skirt she picked out herself, and two self-beaded necklaces. She looked so grownup and behaved that way as well. She didn't cry at all and seemed excited to go.
The ride back yesterday was quite an experience. Grammy had relayed a few of their activities, but Squeaker was able to describe many of her adventures to me.
"Brite, we got to go pick up Elena at camp. Did you know there is a lake there? We got to throw big rocks in the water. "
"Did you have fun at her camp?" (This was a week long history camp at Stratford Hall.)
"Yes! I got to learn what they did there. Elena got to put the fire out. (No idea what this is about, but it obviously made an impression.) Then we had ice cream and apple pie. It was really yummy."
"Where else did you go?"
"We went to the Berry Farm.(the next day) We saw goats and I ate ice cream, again! Nana and Poppy were there!"
A few minutes later after playing in the backseat, she shared this things.
"Elena and I played together a lot. We had a tea party and we played with ponies. When we went to church, I got to play with Grammy."
As her eyes lit up about her adventures, I couldn't help but marvel at the love she has for them and for ice cream. :) It reminded me of sitting with her Mommy as she shared about a trip to see her family. Her description of them was wrapped in love in this same way. Her joy in playing with little Elena, the laughter and games with her parents, the wonderful visits with Nana and Poppy, and her sweet friendship Kira. Squeaker is learning to love them for all those same reasons. It makes my heart ache missing her for them, for us, but particularly for Squeaker. I want her back, every single day. And yet, I know that her dear Mommy is surrounded by perfect love and peace, free from the worries, insecurities, and pain we all face. She is living a faith realized in Heaven with Christ and is filled with unspeakable joy.
First of all, I want to wish the Daddy person the happiest of father's days. I am sure her behavior in his previous post was a subtle way of celebrating the day. We love you!
Shhh...don't tell the Daddy person, but we enjoyed quite a bit of girl time this weekend! While Daddy's away...Brite can play! We began by buying some stretchy string and a pack of beads at the craft store. You'd be amazed by her focused attention to make her very first necklace. She loved being able to do it mostly by herself. She just beamed with pride when she was able to make me a bracelet. I found a little ballet dancer charm in the mixed bag and made a bracelet for her. Every time she puts it on, she pretends to perform a ballet for me. She also got interested in this when I showed her a video from a recent ballet I attended.
After watching one of our friends paint her nails, Squeaker was very curious about the process. The next day she commented on my painted toes and asked if she could try sometime. Of course I couldn't resist, so she sat quite still and let me paint them. They dried quickly but several times throughout the day she said things like, "Aunt Brite, my nails dried while I was sleeping" or "My nails dried while I was playing in the pool."
This morning in the nursery she was very focused on Legos and right now she's playing in the sand box with Uncle Mack, so she hasn't become a diva over night.
Thank you for taking an interest in her little life. Grace be with you!
Tuesday night at dinner squeaker was in rare form. The kind of rare form that makes a parent that wasn't born yesterday wonder what their child has done. During dinner, Squeaker had the following things to say:
Daddy, the veal is very good.
Did you make the whole dinner by yourself?
After sliding off her chair - Daddy, I just wanted to give you a kiss.
Daddy would you help me eat my yogurt.
May I have some more veal, Daddy?
After being asked to clean up her blocks, she did!
About halfway through dinner, her Granddaddy wanted do know "Is it allowance day?" By the end of dinner the Daddy Person had asked a number of questions of his own, such as "What did you do to my car?"
We will keep you posted when when the editors find out what she is up to.
The readers have spoken. The Daddy Person recognizes that when Squeaker reads the blog years from now, this post might result in the Daddy Person's eyebrow to eye ratio falling below one. However, the readers have spoken, and we must abide by their decision.
Brite, Squeaker, and one of here friends were eating lunch this week. Brite corrected Squeaker's friend for starting to put her finger in her nose. Squeaker then looked at her friend and said "I dig in my nose when I am in my bed. Nobody sees me do it there and they don't tell me to stop."
Brite and squeaker toured two of the local "pwimming" lakes this week. For the record, the editors of Squeakerpants.com resent the fact that she no longer says "pwimming". While the were at the lake sq excitedly announced that "aunt brite I am kicking. You said I can't kick in the bathtub. I can kick when I am swimming. NOW I CAN KICK!"
Aunt Brite and the Daddy person are having some artistic differences about a couple stories this week. The stories involve Squeaker giving advice about two different topics, swimming and nasal hygiene. One of us thinks that either story would be perfect for the blog. One of us isn't so sure. So, we have decided to let you, our readers, decide.
Please cast your vote in the poll on left. The poll closes Monday at 11:59 am, so be sure to vote. Check after lunch tomorrow for the results and the "Wisdom of Squeaker".
This blog is authored by Squeaker's loving parents who are never far from her side, unless the fish are biting, or it is a nice day for a bike ride, or good weather for hiking...
